Sacré-Cœur

Sacre Coeur - beautiful climb. Ever onwards - ever higher to the tall white fortress. My champion after wearily making my way through the ghettos. Such loveliness I was not prepared for. You took me by surprise. The air changed as I reached your steps - infinite masters adorn your belly - your expanses holding filtered light. Through windows painted - taking shapes of holier beings than I - humbly enter. Artists wandering through the crowds - one found me today. Oh where he has gone and how I long to see what he has seen - to feel his craft in every city beheld. I was his choice today - tomorrow a next. Freely he drew what was perceived to be my likeness. Said I had no lover and I feebly attempted to persuade him otherwise. Apparently my lips were not swollen with the colors that passion brings. Guilty as charged - I am a loner. A common language between us - I freely spoke - though voice was not needed for him to see innocence posing before his artist's strokes. I sit here now - waiting for her to come - the one I can share this with. She is my confidant. My keeper and friend - her ears take in all of what I say and seeps into the heart. There is no possibility of facade. It was a good day today - I beheld what I most longed to see. In experiencing this tourist destination I witnessed the arts in four forms - experiencing him as I always have before.

The lights

The lights in Place de la Concorde just went on and the skies are rolling in to meet me - but you are not here. I feel it - strength and vitality next to me - you embody what I feel now. Monuments stand through the ages and new lovers greet in the midst of blue shadows. A mighty tune plays in my ears - breaking to the soul. You are here. A little body warmth would go a long way - breezes inspire but you could do more. It - the breeze - grows stronger - tearing at the hood which hides my face well. Could you find me in the midst of masses? Tamed beasts carry passengers behind them. Horses having gone through a stage called "breaking". Never shall I become as such. The stage isn't set - mine changes - as do the players in it.

Paris I

Red – this hour closes but my veins do not.

Bleeding – for you and it will not cease.

Time – To refuse cunning promises of redemption.

Drip, drop, drip dry.

Dripping time of dropping lies.

Loss – Imploring gears in motion as I stand still.

Grief – Six feet solves no pain of mine now,

Truth – relative to the ears and heart,

Drip, drop, drip dry.

Dripping time of grieving mine.

Tall – this tower of retribution seems to leer,

Kind – wishes find welded heart, hungry spirits within,

Feel – what you wish and I’ll keep rhymes,

Drip, drop, drip dry,

Dripping time of ill timed “why’s”.

Plead – The case I closed with verdict’s spite,

Make – your way home forget so called grief,

Remember – I carry this seemingly alone,

Drip, drop, drip dry,

Dripping time of wanting to die.

Fake - being ok to please the ones who remain,

Dust - from ashes never to be reborn the same,

Dark – the hours keep no time for my spinning world,

Drip, drop, drip dry,

Dripping time of aching life.

Choose – to live and keep on breathing,

Make – her bed never to be disturbed again,

Smell – the faint memories clinging to winter’s claim,

Drip, drop, drip dry,

Dripping time of mending I.

In Truth

In truth you know nothing of,

The dizzy spell I am bound by now,

Entire armies have known less pain,

Wars have not known this battlefield,

The plains are drenched in my blood,

Tears do not wash away the stench you have left.

In truth you know nothing of,

The pain I endure at your hands,

Complete and utter chaos is my wish,

To mask this raw pain eating through my soul,

Ever mine is this disastrous ending,

Ever yours is this fatal non-committed choosing.

In truth you know nothing of,

Love as it should be in its complete form,

If choosing you means this confused being,

I would walk a different path and one alone,

For to be bound to you is like breaking waves,

I am done with being the anchor in stormy seas.

Storm

You know the saying “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”?

There is no storm... There is no fury reeking havoc here.

In place of such terrible destructive forces exists a calm resolve. A quite reverence as a soul’s last surge for a mended heart looms ever nigh. This – is my life. I am resigned to view it as a heeling process, because that is what sounds healthy. But what I find is a muscle that having been used for the first time – knows not what to do now that it is in pain. I draw deep on the waters of life, praying that I am sustained by some power I know not of. Faith eludes me, and darker nights than I have ever seen – are now my twisted lovers.

There is no storm… Passing thunderheads pose no fear for me now.

I search the light beacons in twilight’s aftermath of knowing you deeper. Such persuasive arms that no longer seek me, distant empty gaze that holds me at a far distance. Was I really all that wrong? This – is a lover’s fate. For having chosen pathways of Casanova’s design you do not cherish what I esteem. Value was misguided and my faith’s un-forgiven rupture will plague me for a time. The wind brushes my face – I feel. Remember – the courage I keep and did not reveal to you. I was right, wasn’t I? To hide what I most valued? It lies like a dormant beast, you had not the strength to release it, nor could you have hoped to tame it. Understanding? I would laugh to see you try.

There is no storm. The clouds are grey, but the storm itself lies harbored in my gut.

No Further

I stare, down cast.

My eyes travel within me and reach my soul – stop.

Go – no – further.

It is not pain which halts my efforts of reasoning.

Some grace has entered from where I know not.

But consuming waves of retribution threaten my fortress.

I laugh, at myself.

My voice is not my own as it echoes off high walls - stop.

Sound – it – louder.

The trumpet’s announcing my great defeat as I take,

A gasping breath for I was drowning in your seed,

Needing your touch sends me hurling now,

I sweat, drips fall,

My very pores are sensitive to your presence – stop,

Pray – on – harder.

Repentance is not required for me to move on,

And forgiveness holds now sway for me as I know,

Redemption is far beyond reach at this point and time,

I weep, blood tears,

Let me bathe in my seemingly insignificant pain – stop,

Scream – for – frustration.

I am washing my love in your dirty water,

Is this my chosen fate to wrap my identity in something,

Someone who doesn’t care to understand the layers of my being,

I lie, sleep beckons,

Do I dare stray into the uncertain terror of night – stop.

Dream – ever – deeper.

Should I be able to escape from this Greek tragedy,

I would not choose the easier of paths this time,

Taking one step further I will be the one to hold my head high – dreams are for the bold.

Mistake

We all make mistakes, stupid errors on our part filled with emotions. Mine was that I trusted the night. I trusted its call and embrace, and further more I went as far as to answer its tune, with a stepping stone laid to your destructive powers.

Tip of the Iceberg

Often times... wait, no. EVERY time I have been utterly moved by something in the past several years it has always been something with an incredible sky. One of my favorites is a clear night sky while in a plane - but we'll leave that for another time. This picture is the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris - my new hometown. Many consider this monument a masterpiece in and of itself. I personally am not a huge fan, but I am the first to appreciate it non the less. What I appreciate even more? You guessed it, the sky :) I think that what man has made - next to what just "happens" on day to day basis... there is no competition! Look at this sky, what man creates is "just the tip of the iceberg".

Hello

Hello steps of a child,

Hello my present age,

I bid good day to the combination,

I am one and the same,

A choice and then again not,

I am happy with my prize,

Fumbling with words,

My bow is weak at best,

Why, good morning new lines!

Face worn with last night’s romp,

Recovery is my dream,

And I will forever lie in want,

Hello my love giver,

Hello friend through my years,

I say your gaze still holds me!

We are one and the same,

A plan and then again not,

You found me so unaware,

Tumbling into arms of grace,

I am yours with all my best,

Well, good night fair fighter!

A day’s living well done I say,

Your laughter gave life to the living,

And let the dying live another day,

Hello my shadow on the wall,

Hello to fair tales of night,

I bid lively dreams to all,

We shall dance in the timber,

Caress as we slumber in fall.

Fears

So I turn 23 tomorrow - dear God why? I have all these people coming up to me telling me how they think this next year is just going to be incredible, that I am going to do so much in my life. I hope so! It's about bloody time I get a move on. So, I consider this a second New Year's resolution (if that makes any sense). This will be a year of taking chances, pushing my limits and capacity as an artist, I have the resolve to begin refining/mastering my skills. It's good to be scared sometimes... what else motivates us to move? I mean, it doesn't always have to be fear but I once heard a very famous woman say "It's better to do it afraid then not at all". I would have to agree with that. Taking chances is something we all long to do. Don't we usually take chances in loving someone? I hope I learn my lesson at age 23, and not 40. To take my chances, because half the battle is just showing up.

Under 16?

Went shopping - nothing new there. Chose the Mall of America (MOA) and all of it's fantastic stores - been there over 50 times. Went into Bloomingdales - millionth time through the doors? Came out after being in there for about 5 minutes, about to walk into the main area of the MOA. Security guy pulls my cousin and I over. Picture this: Two girls, both about 6 foot 1 with heels. Lauren is 19, I'm 22 (three days till 23 baby). He says that his name is something or the other, I'm security for the MOA, and I need to see identification that you are not under 16 years. Come again? He repeats himself. Lauren and I look at each other... where's the hidden camera, is he for real??? Another girl walks out (she's clearly under 16). Same stunt. She calls her mom and she com gets her. I left my ID in my car, all I have is my credit card, some cash, my phone and car keys. Lauren asks if he's serious. Yes maam, I am serious and this is a very serious inquiry. If you don't have your ID you must leave the MOA. (Turna out ppl under the age of 16 can't be here with out adult supervision on the weekends because of previous gang fights). I look at him and tell him that I don't have my ID, and do I really look like I am 16!!?? WHAT THE BLEEP IS WRONG WITH YOU? Is was what I wanted to say. Lauren calls her mom - thank God she was in the mall. haha So she rocks up, and tells him - this is my daughter, she's 19 - and this is my niece, she's 22, don't you have anything else better to do with your time??? Sorry maam, this is my job, and I take all offenses very seriously. Ok, right, well byyyyyyyyyeeee.

I was mad for a while. He said that I actually looked like I could have been 16. I don't know whether I should be offended or happy. What's a girl to do?

Say what!?

So it all started about a month ago... I was in a super Target, downtown Minneapolis. A friend and I were on our lunch break, trying to find something tasty. I was following my pal down a random aisle, she was on the hunt for something with chocolate (we're girls). Down this particular aisle there are two girls, quite cute, and they visibly are checking me out as I walk by. Ok, weird. I know I have cut my hair, gotten a few comments from people who think I'm, uh, well... that I like girls. hehe. I'm a little put off, but no biggie, whatever. My friend and I begin to head for the next aisle. We're not their even there for a minute, when out of the corner of mine eye I see the same girls. Great, they're looking at me, talking about something in my general direction... what the heck do you want!!?? My day gets even better as they start walking towards me, smiling. I nudge my friend... wanna check out? haha, no luck. I'm cornered. First girl - sorry to bother you, but my friend and I just couldn't ignore your amazing style and look... "what?" "really?" "why me?" Those were the first few things running through that crazy brain of mine. Second girl - we don't mean to intrude or be weird, but we're hair stylists and we would love for you to be our model. Again... "huh?" I was so amused with my own stupidity and general feeling of being "lost" that somehow a smile magically came across my face. DANG IT! I'm smiling, they obviously think they have hit a home run here. SH*&T. Ok, just go with it. My friend "that sounds so cool!" So, I agree, sucker that I am, coupled with the fact of free haircut + color + makeup + F-U-N! Girls day come true, right? So a week later I show up, they give a wicked cut, color it up, then schedule my makeup/make-over. I come in later that week, get my hair styled, makeup done (about an hours worth, ugh) and get some pictures taken of my new look in a skyway downtown (as people are passing by). I walk away with a hilarious/fun experience, and the highlight? GREAT hair. Win win. 

Next one - My cousin and I are strolling through the Mall of America. I say strolling because we have no money and the only thing we buy is... you guessed it, chocolate!!! Not just any kind of chocolate though... Godiva baby, they have the most delectable lemon chiffon truffle. Anyway, now that my mouth is watering, on with this random tale. As we go in to a store, the sales person approaches us, asks us if we need help. Typical answer comes out of our mouths (no, we're just browsing). Figure the next thing out of her mouth will be (ok, well let me know if you need any help) So we mumble something like "mm hmm, ok." Wait, hold on... what did she say? Are we models? Hahahahahahaha... no. Come again? In short, I got signed up to do a small photo shoot with a young, talented photographer from the twin cities. Yay! So, I end up going to the studio, late at night, after my cousin has wisely advised me to refrain from taking any food they might offer... it might have date rape drugs in it? Ok, I'll take your word on it. Praise God, no food, so I wasn't tempted, lmao. All in all, really fun experience.

Number three - I'm at a coffee shop, one of my numerous fashion books is lying on the table face up. This lady comes over... "You are NOT into fashion!! You? Someone from Minnesota!?" Ummm, yeah, I am :) Turns out she's an upcoming fashion designer, doing a lot with organic materials. Asks me to be a model. Ok, sure... why not? So, not only do I sign on, but I get my cousin and aunt to join :) We're taking over the world, shhh, don't tell anyone. 

Thus, my life's recent story. It amuses me to no end to think that I have done some "modeling". Never thought that would be... well, just never though it would BE. Cheers to random moments and life's many adventures!

Give me strength

God, give me the strength to love as I ought... a love deemed worthy? Yet, what worth have I? I count myself the least of these, and yet You have exalted something deep within me. This fire is only caused by You. Regardless of whether I understand, I should act. To reach out when I know I fell prompted... fool that I am to give into my pride! I would ask You to choose another... but this cup carries a sweetness that is revealed every time I choose Your way. I often wonder at experiences - they have the opportunity to mold someone, to change how they view the world. I have been fortunate enough to have experienced Your love, in many various contexts. Such us Your jealous love - when I strayed away. Your sacrificial love - as I wept at reading your death for my sins. Your lover's love - as you comfort my soul when I am in need. Your fatherly love - and words of affirmation I receive. What a great love You have for me, and it is my prayer that I have strength and diligence with what that love has seen fit to bless me with. Family, friends, dreams, etc. They all answer to you. My heart knows You in a way I didn't even know. it's like there are two parts of me that know You. The mind knows You... my knowledge in and of You. But then, there is a part of me that I can only say is like Your creation. I know my master's call... odd, but so true. I answer to no one but You. No other name has power to re-claim my soul. If I have found favor in your sight, if my family has done well to follow your ways... then grant me the strength to make each day count. I am resolved to see this through, till the end of my days... and I know I will not be alone on this journey, whether I may be daunted by times of fear, doubt, etc. I know You are there... my love.

Rajasthan- land of lore

India never ceases to amaze me. I recently finished a short four day trip to Rajasthan with my family. There is so much to see, and four days is not enough, but it was a worth while trip. The architecture of these palaces and forts are so unique and special to that area of India. It's all carved sandstone - priceless. They just don't make them like this any more... oh that's right, because it would take years! And we need things right now, right away. Anyway - The clothing and textiles there take on a unique persona. I have lived in HYD for most of my life, and it's incredible to see the vast changes within India's borders. So, here is a bit a visual treat - some pictures from Rajasthan. Hope you enjoy!

Waiting Love

Sitting here, pondering why,

Love for me has yet to come nigh,

A broken arrow lies in my lap,

My heart's waiting for more then a gentle tap,

That arrow was used to pierce my heart,

For in my agony it has played it's part,

Love is waiting for me to knock,

While my life is passing me by,

A drifting dream was caught before,

it could ever have flown or soar,

That passion concealed within my soul,

Now on my mind taking its toll,

Being right now makes me uncontent,

Last time I was right, injustice was spent,

Love is waiting for me to knock,

As my life is passing me by,

It has been a while...

Since I have last posted something on this page. And I vow to get better. I have a lot to say, and I want some feedback. So, I will try to be as diligent as I possibly can with this... ugh, blog stuff ;)

My Prize

Beauty running deeply through her veins,

Kindness evident through the dimples on her cheeks,

Honesty that her eyes would proclaim,

A smile that would make one's knees weak,

As pure as he moonbeams that now caress her face,

More mesmerizing than the stars that claim her eyes,

In my heart no other thing could replace,

For she is my daughter, she is my prize.